Suffering In Silence
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: Sonny is hiding a secret from everyone who loves her, and when it comes out will they stand by her? Or will she be left to suffer in silence? Rated T for mentions of Anorexia Bulimia & Self harm. Chad/Sonny
1. Catching on

**Disclaimer: I do not own 'Sonny With A Chance' as much as I wished I did =]**

**If I did then Sonny & Chad would be together and happy! **

**A/N I wrote this story, or similar, for 'H20 Just Add Water' about Rikki. That one was called 'Control', and although this is similar and based on the same idea I will try to make it as different as I can. **

_Suffering in Silence _

"**I'm sorry Sonny, I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you...." **

"**Why not?" She looked up at him, confusion evident in her eyes as he looked away,**

"**I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself anymore. It hurts too much." **

"**I'm sorry Chad, I can stop. I can try. Please don't leave me, I don't know what to do without you..." Tears fell down her pale face as she looked at the boy she loved so much, **

"**I can't do this anymore, I love you more than you could ever imagine but I can't sit back and watch you do this to yourself anymore. It's too hard." **

"**No! Please," She reaches out to grab his hand as he turns away from her, **

"**Please, I can't do this anymore either. I will try to stop, please don't leave me." **

"**I have to, it's for your own good." He shook his head, walking away from her, turning back once to watch the girl he loved so much cry, her head down, her arms wrapped around herself. **

**He wanted nothing more than to go running back to her, but instead he turned back around and ran home. Taking one last look, one last look at the love of his life before giving up on her and leaving. **

~ Six Months Earlier ~

Silent tears ran down her face as she looked at herself in the mirror, she wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be rehearsing on stage right now, but instead she was standing in the mirror in the small bikini she was supposed to be wearing for the sketch and wondering what it would be like to look a little thinner.

She wasn't sure what had brought on the thoughts about what she looked like, she had never really thought about it before. Then again, she had never thought she had anything to worry about before.

Something had clicked in place for her earlier when Tawni was talking about weight and food, looking through a magazine and going on about who was thin and who wasn't. It had got to her, and she had no idea why. She remembered just looking at Tawni, rolling her eyes and laughing, just thinking about Chad and herself, how happy they were despite how much she weighed. She could never imagine him caring about the menial thing of weight, as she sat there watching Tawni poke and prod at her thin stomach in the mirror, frowning when she came across a little bit of fat.

It was all unusual to Sonny, nobody had really said anything about weight or food back home in Wisconsin. The sleepovers filled with junk food always screamed 'we don't care'. She sighed, maybe Hollywood had changed her more than she thought.

Sonny had thought she was always proud of her body, hence why she never joined in with Tawni when she scrutinized her own flaws. Her body was well looked after and nobody had really commented on her weight – something she wasn't sure was a good thing or a bad thing. She had never really thought of her weight before, but for some reason while she was sitting there, reading a magazine that Tawni had thrown at her in a huff, weight as all she could think about.

'Is she thinking about my weight and just throwing subtle hints my way? Does she wonder why I keep myself out of those conversations? Does she think I'm... fat?'

As quickly as the thoughts had come, Sonny pushed them aside again, telling herself to stop being stupid. But for some reason, that day the thoughts had carried on.

There was no underlying cause for Sonny's start to dieting, her friends had gone on about weight for ages before, especially Tawni. But it was never to such an extent that she would care so much, too much. Chad had never even mentioned weight to her, and when she had asked him about it he had replied with 'I love you for who you are, not what you look like.' Again, Sonny found herself thinking about whether it was a compliment or not. The thoughts kept coming, until one night she found herself sitting in front of the computer looking for quick weight loss techniques, she had spent half the night looking at them until she finally decided that she would cut out junk food – Tawni didn't eat junk food and her figure was amazing.

"Sonny, are you going to eat that?" Nico asked, Sonny shook her head and stood up, about to walk out of the studio cafeteria. It was exactly three weeks into her 'No junk food' diet and already it had become a lot more than that. She had found herself cutting out some of the things you needed for a healthy diet, so far she had cut out junk food, then when it felt like that wasn't good enough, when she wasn't losing enough weight, she cut out dairy, and then bread. She stuck to cutting out at least one thing a week, every week was a brand new week and that way things were easy, there was something to look forward to every Monday. This Monday she wanted to cut out pasta.

Tawni shook her head, biting her lip in unusual concern for the girl she hated to admit was her friend,

"You haven't really been eating a lot recently." She said hesitating as she looked Sonny up and down, noticing the sudden drop in weight, Sonny shrugged and sighed, wanting nothing more than to run away from them all,

"I am fine, I just don't feel too good." She flashed her famous Sonny smile and went to turn away, Tawni stood up as well and grabbed her by the arm,

"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything?"

"Yeah, maybe later." She smiled again, looking down at the floor, trying to hide the fear that she had been found out already,

"If you're sure then." The group got up, looking at her weirdly as they made their way over to the frozen yogurt machine, Sonny watched her friends as they whispered to each other. She stood there staring at them, wondering what they were talking about... Were they talking about her? Did they want her to be fat? Is that why they kept offering her food? Are they discussing how fat she is?

Sonny found herself suddenly scared about what they were talking about, maybe they wanted her to be fat again, make her fatter. Maybe they were onto her, and wanted to break all the control she had made for herself.

"Sonny are you okay?" Nico asked as they walked back over to the table, looking at her weirdly, Sonny sudden;y realized that she was shaking and quickly sat down.

"What's wrong?" Tawni ran up to her and sat down right next to her, her hand placed on top of Sonny's shoulder.

"Nothing." Sonny could only mutter, keeping her eyes glued to the ground,

"Nothings wrong, why would anything be wrong?"

"You're shaking, Are you cold?" Grady frowned and looked at the scene in front of him as he tucked into his frozen yogurt, Sonny shook her head, surprised at the tears that were running down her face. Tawni wrapped her arms around her shoulders, ignoring the stares that the 'So Random!' table was getting from others in the cafeteria. Tawni looked over at Nico and Grady, shrugging, none of them knew what was wrong with the crying girl, they didn't know what to say or do to help her.

Quickly Sonny composed herself, pulling away from Tawni and grinning at all of them,

"I am great thank you."

"No you're not, Sonny tell us whats going on." Zora looked up from her food, sensing that something was wrong with the fellow cast member and friend,

"It's nothing really, just hormones I think."

"You sure?" Sonny smiled the best she could and stood up again,

"Yeah, sometimes I get a little too emotional sorry."

"No, it's fine. I completely understand, I feel the same sometimes." Tawni winked at her as she looked down at the food in front of her,

"Now are you going to eat something?" Nico frowned as he pushed a frozen yogurt in front of Sonny, she smiled gratefully at him and sat back down, closing her eyes for a moment and trying to think of a way to get out of it.

She bit her lip in thought for a moment, 'You could always throw it up after.' Sonny smiled at the thought. She was still in control and that was all that mattered, as long as she was in control, nothing else mattered.


	2. Punishments

Sonny was glad to be back in the dressing room, alone for what seemed to be the first time that day. Lunch times were always the hardest and she had always managed to get away with it until today. She sighed, taking a look around the dressing room before walking to the bathroom.

She shut the door behind her and practically ran to the toilet, desperate to get the food out of her body. She smiled to herself as she put her fingers down her throat, smiling at the little world she had made for herself over the past few weeks.

Nobody thought Sonny could do this, nobody believed Sonny would care about such a menial thing. And that's what kept her going, the fact that everyone was so far behind her in her little game, the game that she had created in her own head, the game nobody was taking part in except her... yet.

When she was done she looked in the bathroom mirror, her face was red with tears dripping down her face and bits of vomit in her hair. She took one hard look at the girl in the mirror and wondered what had happened to the Sonny she remembered, hardly recognizing the girl in the mirror.

Sonny shook her head and fell to the floor as sobs overtook her fragile body. She curled up in a ball when she could hear someone knocking the door,

"You okay?" She could hear Tawni on the other side, and panicked for a moment, thoughts of Tawni and the others being in the dressing room when she was being sick, all of them hearing her and finding out about everything.

"Yeah, fine thank you! I will be right out." Sonny tried to sound as normal as she possibly could, jumping up and scrubbing her face, getting rid of any traces of vomit and tears. She fumbled around, looking for makeup, dabbing it on when she finally found some. She looked in the mirror again, glad to see she looked almost normal. She put her hands under the tap, scrubbing them until they were red raw and then looking around the bathroom, cleaning anything that could give her away.

She opened the door in a hurry, almost running into Tawni,

'Sorry!" Sonny tried to put on her normal, enthusiastic voice as she looked at Tawni, trying to walk past her, stopped by her friends hand on her arm,

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, great thanks!"

"You can tell me if anything is wrong Sonny, you do know that don't you?"

"Yeah, thanks. Right back at ya!" She winked at Tawni, grinning as best she could before making her way to her side of the dressing room. She watched as Tawni walked into the bathroom and then back out, frowning,

"You were a long time in there.."

"Yeah I know, started my period. You know how it is, I was in there looking around for some pads for ages!" She laughed and went back to the magazine she held casually in her hands. Nobody suspected anything, she thought to herself.

She smiled at herself in the mirror as Tawni finally walked out, she found herself strangely proud of herself; The secrecy and the lies, all the control she felt. She didn't like who she had become but at the same time she loved it. She hated looking in the mirror and breaking down but she loved the whole feeling she got off it. In a way every time she went without food she felt an almost high, like she was doing something good, something right, something worthwhile. Life was in her control, and her control only.

Sonny sighed, walking over to the door and quickly closing it before looking over at her mirror, slowly walking over to it. She put down the magazine and slowly lifted up her shirt, holding all her fat in her hands, to someone looking at the scene in front of them they would see a girl wasting away, not an inch of fat on her small body, but to Sonny there was more fat on her body than anyone could ever imagine.

She imagined cutting it all off with a large knife, then it occurred to her... she needed to be punished for her lack of control earlier that day. She needed to be punished for letting herself down in one moment of weakness. She bit her lip as she looked around, her eyes finally settling on a sharp pair of scissors on her dressing table. She ran into the bathroom, scared someone was watching her and locked the door behind her.

Sitting on the toilet, she sighed before digging the scissors deep into her bare legs, dragging it into a neat line across her skin. She watched the blood dripping down and smiled a little, now she would think twice before letting herself being pressured into eating such things again. She would think twice before breaking all the control she had made for herself.

She looked once more at her leg before pulling her trousers back up, making a note to herself to hide it all a lot better. People were on to her.. they were tying to take part in her game, trying to compete with her, they were going to try and stop her. She shook her head as she walked over to the mirror, telling herself that she would never let anyone catch up with her.

She thought about all of the excuses she had made over the past few weeks, looking forward to the rest she knew was going to come. Along with the lies and deceit, and in a way she was looking forward to it all, she almost enjoyed it.

She jumped back from the mirror as her phone rang, smiling as she saw the name pop up on her phone.

"Hey!" She grinned into the phone, trying to make sure her voice sounded as normal as possible,

"Hey baby." She almost melted at the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone,

"How are you?" She asked, walking out of the bathroom and sitting down on her chair once more,

"I am great thanks, you?"

"I am amazing thanks." She smiled once again, looking at her reflection in the mirror for what seemed the hundredth time that day. She really wanted to burst out crying right then, wanting to say 'No Chad, help me please. I can't do this anymore, it's getting too hard already!' But she couldn't, she had to stay strong. After all, the game was only just beginning.

"Wanna go out somewhere? For a movie or something?" Chad piped up,

"Yeah sure. I will meet you outside in 10?"

"Great! See you soon." Chad said before hanging up and getting back to his friends on the set of 'McKenzie Falls'

Sonny put down her phone and looked around her dressing room, hoping there was something good there that she could wear. She finally settled on a pair of jeans and a baggy top. Grinning at herself in the mirror, trying to practice her 'normal Sonny' routine before leaving the room to find her boyfriend.

"Hey!" She shouted at him as she met him by his car, he grinned at her before kissing her gently on the lips and opening the door to his car for her. She thanked him, winking at him before he walked over to the other side and drove them away from the set.


	3. Rules

"Are you hungry?" Chad looked at his girlfriend as he closed the door to his house, walking towards the kitchen,

"No, I ate loads at lunch and mum will probably make me eat loads when I get home tonight!" She grinned at him, following him into the kitchen and sitting down as he made himself a sandwich.

"Do you promise?" He whispered to her, kissing her on the cheek, smiling a little as he carried on making his own food, Sonny nodded – suddenly scared that he knew something was wrong.

"Yeah.. why?"

"I don't know, you just lost a little weight recently." Chad tried to shrug it off, despite the bad feeling he had about her sudden weight loss lately.

"Really? I have been so busy I haven't really noticed." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and bit her lip, hoping he would believe her. She noticed the concern in his eyes and she grinned widely, standing up to wrap her arms around his neck as she looked into his eyes,

"I promise you I am eating Chad, you can even ask my mum, or the 'So Random!' lot." Chad seemed satisfied with the answer and grinned back at her,

"As long as you're okay then." Sonny nodded and looked around, wondering what they were going to do.

"Do you want to watch a DVD?" He finally said, as though he read her mind, she nodded as he grabbed her hand, leading her to the large TV in the sitting room, she rolled her eyes once she saw the many 'McKenzie Falls' DVD's.

"So, season one? Or two?" He noticed the look on her face before he laughed at her and walked over to the large collection of films he had,

"I was only joking, come here and choose whatever you want." Sonny nodded and laughed with him as she picked up a romance 'Along Came Polly.'

"Should have known you were a romance type of girl." It was his turn to roll his eyes as he gave into her and pushed it into the DVD player. Chad wrapped both his arms around her as they both sat down, pushing her back on the sofa, he kissed her gently on the lips before she could tell him to get off her. She giggled at the gesture and pulled away,

"As romantic as that was Chad, your parents could walk in and catch us." Chad just laughed, kissing her again before sitting back up smiling,

"Fine."

Halfway through the film Sonny realized that Chad was staring at her instead of watching the screen, she felt herself become increasingly uncomfortable before turning to him,

"What are you staring at?" She whispered, wondering if he was looking at her and realizing he was too good for someone like her,

"You." Chad simply answered, he had started to notice something different about her lately, the way she always seemed to wear baggy clothing as though she was trying to cover herself up despite the hot weather.

"Oh.. can I ask why?" She took a deep breath, preparing herself for the blow she was convinced was about to come, Chad realized how uncomfortable she was starting to get, her arms suddenly wrapped around herself, looking down at her legs as she waited for his answer,

"You're so beautiful. Never forget that Sonny, okay?" Chad shook his head, pulling her arms from around herself and lifting her head up to meet his eyes, kissing her gently,

"Thank you." She whispered as he pulled away,

_Ignore him, he doesn't mean it, he will never mean it. You are not beautiful, you are ugly. You will never be good enough for him, you are not like the other girls he has dated, you're the one he feels sorry for. You have to change if you want him to stay with you, if you want him to love you. You have to be beautiful and thin. You have to be everything you're not right now. Change Sonny, don't you want to be just like them? _

Sonny broke away the kiss as she heard the voice she had been hearing for almost a week now, she had no idea who it was or why it was speaking to her lately. She had been able to push it to the back of her mind before, but now it seemed to be the only thing she could think of. Sonny didn't want to tell anyone about the voice – they all thought she was crazy already, this would only confirm that.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong. Why would anything be wrong?" She looked like she was going to cry and she knew Chad had already realized that.

"Did I do anything wrong?" For the first time since she had known him she saw uncertainty in his eyes, and heard it in his voice. He looked so offended,

"No! Why does everything have to be about you?!" Sonny shouted at him, seeing the hurt in his eyes as soon as the words came out,

"I'm sorry..." She whispered,

"I'm so sorry..." She started to cry, feeling his arms around her as she put her head in her hands, trying to stop herself as she heard the voice once more,

_No, don't cry, not in front of him. Wait till nobody is around, do you want him to stop you? Do you want to get caught? Do you?! Are you stupid? Do you know what will happen to you? What will happen to us? They will stop us! They will ruin everything we have made for ourselves. They will break all the control and they will make you eat loads all over again. They will want you to be fat, to gain all the weight back that we have lost together! Do you want to achieve perfection Sonny? They are all so jealous of you and your control. Do you want me to go away Sonny? Because that's what will happen when they find out, they will take me away and you will be all alone again. _

Sonny quickly wiped away her tears and smiled,

"Sorry. I am fine really. I am so sorry." She tried to laugh it off but knew he wasn't fooled by the change of mood,

"I am so worried about you." He carried on holding her until she pulled away and then she shook her head,

"Don't just.. don't... Why can't you leave me alone? I am fine.. nothing is wrong with me!" She ran as quickly as she could from him and his unwanted sympathy. She didn't need him anyway, she didn't need anyone.

_Nothing, nothing is wrong. And asking is against the rules, crying is against the rules. You're strong, don't let them break you. They're trying to destroy you. _


	4. Finding Out

Chad walked into the cafeteria, seeing the people he was looking for. He walked up to Tawni, Grady, Zora and Nico and sat down next to them, ignoring the whole McKenzie Falls and So Random feud for that one moment, knowing Sonny was more important than that.

"Nice to see you do Chad." Tawni muttered sarcastically, glaring at him.

"I need your help." He looked at them, shaking his head, he told them everything that had happened last night with Sonny, what she had said to him, what she had looked like.

"Did she eat yesterday?" Tawni shook her head,

"I don't know, she wouldn't eat at first, then when we said something about it she had a frozen yoghurt. She was just saying she was cutting out junk food, but I don't know... I didn't know what to say to her, when I went to the dressing room after I could hear her being sick in the bathroom. When she did come out she looked terrible, I didn't want to say anything to her just in case. But... I don't know. The look on her face when she was eating it..." She sighed,

"She looked terrified." Zora finished for her, looking down at her own food,

"How can this happen to someone in such a short amount of time?" Grady was confused, wondering how this could actually happen to someone, to Sonny.

"Wait, you think she was making herself throw up?" Chad looked at Tawni, she nodded slowly,

"I should have said something, I should have stopped her or something." Chad shook his head,

"You couldn't have done anything, she has an Eating Disorder, I just hope we have found out in time. I mean, it hasn't been too long, has it?" Nico looked at them, as they all shook their heads,

"Maybe we can pull her out of this, before she gets too deep in it all." Chad sighed, putting his head in his hands as he tried to think, nothing like this seemed to happen on McKenzie Falls but then he was forced to remind himself – this was real life.

"I still should have said something though... we could have had this sorted a little sooner." Tawni looked as though she was going to cry, and Chad realized how much she actually cared for his girlfriend,

"She would have run away, if she does have an Eating Disorder, she will do anything to make sure nobody can stop her – to make sure she never gets caught. If she had run off, things could be a lot worse right now." Tawni nodded, wiping a stray tear that fell onto her cheek,

"When was the last time you saw her eat?" Grady asked everyone, watching as they all shrugged,

"I saw her eat properly for the last time just over a month ago, I guess." Tawni said,

"Then she would say she had already ate, or she had something at Chad's..." Chad shook his head,

"She kept telling me she ate with you."

"She has lost a lot of weight as well." Zora added in, wanting to be involved in the conversation,

"What do we do?" Tawni groaned, just wanting the old Sonny back,

"Nothing... yet." Nico said,

"Nothing?!" Chad stood up, making his seat go flying backwards, hitting the floor with a loud bang.

"We can't just let her carry on!" He looked angry, his fists clenched as he shook his head,

"She is going to end up killing herself in the end." He shouted at them, not even realizing what they were all looking at,

"Chad." Tawni grabbed onto his arm, trying to stop him, her eyes glued to the person standing behind him. He slowly turned, already knowing who was behind him,

"Sonny... I am so sorry." She shook her head, tears running down her face, as she took a few steps back, realizing everyone in the room was looking at her. She turned, running away from them as fast as she could.

"What do we do now?" Chad sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to think about the old Sonny. He turned towards Tawni as she stood next to him, she looked at his face, he looked so defeated.

"I will go talk to her, I think I know where she will go. She is going to be okay." She patted him on the shoulder, still keeping a distance between them before running off after Sonny.

"Sonny?" She bit her lip as she walked into the changing room she had shared with Sonny for a year now, looking at the girl curled up in a ball, crying.

"Tell me what's wrong, please Sonny."

"Nothing..." Sonny whispered, trying to wipe away the tears and smile at Tawni, failing badly as more tears fell from her eyes,

"I am sorry..." She whispered, looking down at the floor as she sat up,

"I really am, but please don't try to help me, please don't stop me." Tawni did something neither of them expected then, she walked up to the shaking girl and wrapped her arms around her,

"I won't, not until you want me to help you. But until then, can you tell me what is going on?"

_And now they know, they are playing our game now, they are part of it all and they want to stop you. She is telling you she won't but she will Sonny. You can't trust her, you can't trust anyone any more. Look what Chad did, he ran straight to them and why? Because he knew that would get to you, he knew that they could him stop you... stop us! You're going to lose me, tell her anything then I will be gone for good. She wants to know all our secrets but she must never know, she will never understand. I know she wants to help you, she is your best friend, but we don't need her help, we are fine. _

"Nothing! Nothing is going on. Why does everyone think there is?" Sonny pulled away from Tawni,

"Just leave me alone..." She sobbed, wrapping her arms around herself, suddenly feeling trapped,

"No, you're my best friend Sonny, as much as I hate to admit that, I can't watch you kill yourself slowly."

"I am fine, just fine!"

"I wish I could believe that." Tawni shook her head, wishing she didn't care about Sonny.

"Sonny... you're bleeding." She finally said, looking down at her arm after moments of silence, her eyes widening in shock as she rolled up the sleeve. Sonny didn't even pull away, she just sat there, staring at the blank space ahead of her. Tawni gasped at the large, fresh cut on her arm,

"Oh God, look at me Sonny... Sonny!" She forced Sonny to look at her and put her hand in her own,

"Please, explain to me.." Tears were in both their eyes now,

"I can't, I'm not allowed." Sonny whispered,

"You are allowed Sonny, please." Tawni's voice was filled with desperation as she looked into Sonny's eyes, sighing when she curled up in a ball once more and refused to look at her.

"Tell me why you are starving yourself... you can die, is that what you want?" Tawni let the tears fall down her face,

"Answer me.. Sonny..." She could feel Sonny's body shaking as she wrapped her arms around her,

"I'm scared..." Sonny finally whispered,

"Of what?"

"Of everything... of getting fat, of losing control. Of losing you."

"You will never lose me, or anyone else for that matter. And you're not going to get fat, I promise you."

"I am too scared to eat any more Tawni. I don't know what happened to me, it was just a diet and now it's so much more. I love the feeling when I go without food so much, it's like a drug to me, it makes everything so much better. I actually feel in control of something." Tawni sighed,

"Don't you miss eating... ever?" Sonny laughed, shaking her head,

"At first.. but you can learn to love anything I guess. I just needed it so badly, I trained myself to enjoy the hunger. When I am feeling hungry, or sick, light headed, anything.. it just means I am getting thinner, it feels so good. I feel strong and happy..."

"When did you stop eating?" Sonny shrugged,

"I don't know, I just woke up one morning and decided that it was time.."

"It's not that simple Sonny." Tawni shook her head, sighing,

"It is, you decide once and for all that you're not going to eat and then there are no more decisions to make. I made that choice and now there is no going back." Sonny was in a trance like state, Tawni was scared of what Sonny could do, the deep cut on her arm only increased her fears. As worried as she was about everything, she knew that Sonny was capable of doing so much more,

"You're only hurting yourself, you're suffering... we think you have an Eating Disorder.."

"No I don't!" Sonny shook her head, trying to smile,

"I am not suffering, I am enjoying every minute of this and I don't have an Eating Disorder, I am not thin enough. Anyone can see that just by looking at me." She smiled, nodding at her own explanation,

"Yes we can and we can see you wasting away.. anybody can see that. Just.... just GROW UP!" Tawni stood up, tears running down her face as she walked over to other side of the room,

"Don't you care what you are doing to us?" She cried, turning around to see Sonny curled up in a tight ball once more,

"Oh God... I am so sorry. I am just so worried about you, I didn't mean to shout." She knew how fragile Sonny was at the best of times, they all did.

"I am really sorry." She whispered as she ran up to her, trying to put her arm around Sonny, biting her lip when she moved away.

"No, Sonny please. I didn't mean to." She sighed, wondering what to do now.

_Ignore her. You let her know but I will forgive you, just this once though. There was no way out this time but next time you will find a reason! They can't stop us anyway, look at her, she doesn't know what to do. None of them will ever understand, they will break us apart if we let any of them in. they are jealous of us, jealous of the control you have made for yourself, you are losing weight and they will only get fatter. I would hate to be them right now, just jealous of what we have, you have something they don't have – control. Our bond will never be broken, you can make the choice right now though, do you want to be 'normal' and fat like everyone else? Or do you want to be the only one with some self control? _

_Which one Sonny?_

_I know which one, I know what you need. Remember that. I am the only one who understands you, I know what you are going through and I will be here all the time. _

_Starvation is control, control is tough, bones are beautiful, when thin just isn't enough. _

_Just remember, you will never get there by making pathetic excuses, you won't get there if you keep getting pressured into eating. You will only get there by listening to me! Only by allowing the hunger to continue! You will get there by exercising! You will not get there by imagining it, you will do this, you can do this. They don't think so but you can, I know you better than they do. I will not let you eat, I will not let you give in. Now go, leave her, stop seeing them, stop seeing him, dump him! And all your silly friends, your stupid show. _

_I am the one making all of the decisions right now, make sure you remember that. _

Sonny looked up, standing up quickly,

"I am sorry..." She whispered as she pushed past Tawni, running out of the dressing room.

Everyone had found out her secret, and now she had to be more careful than ever.

~ .. ~

**A/N The italics is basically the 'voice of anorexia' **

**Speaking of which, if you like stories like this, check out my fiction press; Chelly01**

**My English coursework is on there, in which I did a whole piece from the point of view of anorexia! **

**Thanks for reading, please review and tell me what you think. **


	5. Blurry Angel

Sonny ran all the way home from the studios, not daring to look behind her.

"Hey," Connie greeted Sonny as she ran through the door of the small flat they both shared, she stared at her, noticing the concern in her eyes already. It broke her heart to see what she was doing to everyone, she didn't want to do this but it was just something she just had to do, it was all out of her control now – she couldn't stop. She smiled at her mum the best she could and ran over to her, kissing her gently on the cheek before running to her bedroom. She wanted to let her know that she would be okay soon, she would be good enough soon. She turned around quickly,

"I love you mum."

"I love you too Sonny." Her mum whispered, smiling at her, watching her daughter walking into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Sonny slid down the door, tears falling quickly down her face as she wrapped her arms around herself, curling up into a tight ball. She had that horrible feeling of behind watched, even though she knew nobody was there, it was a feeling that constantly followed her, the feeling that someone was always behind her. She hated it so much, she wanted to be perfect, she wanted to be strong, she wanted to be happy again. She sighed and stood up, wiping away the tears before walking over to the mirror.

_Look at yourself, take one hard look at yourself. You're not good enough yet! You're pathetic Sonny, I mean come on? Caught after one month?! What is wrong with you? You're not perfect, nor will you ever be. They all know now, soon enough everyone will know and they will all laugh at you while forcing you to eat all those foods we have tried so hard to cut out. They say they are concerned about you, about your health but Sonny, they only want to control you. Everything will be lost, everything will have to go. They are going to pin you down and force feed you with lies, with what they deem love. _

Sonny couldn't take it any more, breaking down as she heard the voice, she didn't understand what was going on, she was too scared to understand. The voice had always frightened her, making her do stuff she didn't really want to do. Making her do stuff that people wouldn't normally expect of her. She knew that she was the last person anyone would think to have an Eating Disorder – especially her friends back home, they would probably laugh and tell her to stop messing around.

The truth was, the only truth that Sonny knew, was that she is scared, she had always been scared. When her parents had split up, she realized what little control people have over their lives, her mother had no control over the fact her husband didn't love her any more, leaving them both for a younger woman. Neither of them had control over him never coming back, not even attempting to contact his young daughter.

Everything from then on had been horrible, nothing had ever been the same. She had no father, her mother had no man in her life, and they never had any money – until So Random that was.

She wanted to be like everyone else, she just wanted to be perfect. She wanted to look in the magazines, see a photograph of herself and be proud, have people say nice things about her instead of pointing out her 'wobbly bits' or 'Sonny has gained a little weight!' She shook her head, hoping that one day it could happen, having always been the type of person who cared what people thought about her.

Sonny walked over to her bed, sighing as she slipped a hand under her cushion, pulling out the shiny knife. She loved the feeling of it sliding across her skin, the sight of her own dark, red blood. It made everything seem so real, it let her know that she was alive.

_Do it Sonny, you have been such a bad girl today. You betrayed me and yourself, you let people in, you let them know, punish yourself! You know you want to... _

Sonny nodded, smiling as she dragged it across her wrist. 'Are you happy now?' She thought as silent tears trailed down her pale cheeks, leaving a mark of despair and hurt. She knew that the voice would be happy now, so she lay back on her bed and watched the blood drip down her arm. The world was getting darker by the second, voices could be heard in the distance but then they went away and soon it was just her.

Then she saw someone just in reach, touching her shoulder lightly, gasping a little as she saw the beautiful, little girl turn around. She immediately knew who she was – the owner of the voice that had helped her so much. She was only a little girl, blonde, curly hair. She was so tiny and fragile, she looked as though one touch would break her, shatter her into a thousand pieces. Her eyes were bright blue and were wide as she took in the persons who's mind she had inhabited for the past month.

Sonny couldn't help but notice the natural beauty the girl seemed to posses, the light sparkle in her eyes as she grinned, showing just how happy she was. She held out her hand for Sonny, who gladly took it, both of them smiling.

This was true happiness, Sonny told herself.

_Why can't they realize our strength Sonny? How much it has taken to make so little of yourself?_

_I am not letting you go yet, we are not good enough yet. Let's starve right down to the bone, you're starting to look better already, who needs a figure anyway? No, stay with me, please don't leave me, I can't do this on my own, I need you just as much as you need me. Stay with me so I can dig my nails deep into your skull, it feels better without control, I am the one in control now Sonny, no use denying it any more. I am part of you and I always will be, it feels better this way. _

_You're looking better my blurry angel, who needs to be clean when the world is so dirty anyway? I will keep you warm, I will keep you safe, stay with me. _


	6. Finding Her

"Marshall, can I speak to you for a moment?" Tawni walked into his office without knocking as she usually did, sitting down quickly without even waiting for an answer. She knew that Sonny would hate her for this but she had to do what was best for the girl she considered to be her best friend.

"Sure, what is it?" He looked up at her, putting down the script in front of him,

"I think I need your help... well not me, Sonny." She took a deep breath, unsure of what to say next, she hoped that Marshall would know what to do about it,

"What do you mean?" She could see the concern in his eyes, Marshall spent a lot of time with all of them and it wasn't hard to get attached to the various members of cast.

"I don't know how to help her, I have tried but she ran away from me. I don't know what to do any more."

"Does it have anything to do with the sudden weight loss?" Tawni nodded, putting her head in her hands,

"She won't eat, I think when she ate in the cafeteria the other day it was the first time she had actually eaten anything in a month and she threw it straight back up – I heard her. When I went to help her today, she had a huge cut on her arm that was still bleeding a lot. I don't know what to do now, I was kind of hoping you would though." Marshall nodded,

"Come on, we will go see if she is okay. We can make sure her mum knows and make sure she gets help, professional help."

~ .. ~

"Sonny are you in there?" Connie knocked gently on her daughters bedroom door, slowly getting increasingly worried about her. She had noticed her abnormal behaviour recently, and had been wishing that Sonny would just tell her what was wrong because she had no idea what to do.

There was no answer again, and she turned around, thinking Sonny was just sleeping or something. They both knew not to disturb each other when they wanted or needed privacy. She shook the bad feeling she had about the girl in the bedroom, fighting the urge to run into the room and check on her daughter.

She was about to turn around again to knock the door when the doorbell rang. She sighed, running to answer it, smiling as she saw Marshall and Tawni on the other side of the door.

"Is Sonny here?" Marshall asked, looking around the small but beautiful home,

"She won't come out of her bedroom, she won't answer me either." Connie looked down at the ground, trying to hold back the tears,

"It's okay, I will go and check on her." Tawni smiled, leaving Marshall to explain what was going on to Connie. She knocked lightly, waiting for an answer, she shook her head at the two people behind her. Putting her hand on the doorknob to check on the girl in the room, suddenly even more worried than she originally was, had she run away? Or something a lot worse? Then again, she told herself, she could just be asleep.

She gasped as she entered the room,

"Oh my God, Sonny?! Answer me please." She ran up to the tiny girl laying on the bed in the middle of the large room, blood dripping from a deep cut on her wrist. She heard Connie follow her in, screaming as Marshall held her in his arms. Tawni grabbed Sonny, shaking her before feeling for a pulse – glad that the girl she now held in her arms was still alive.

She stared at the small, pale girl she held in her arms, at what remained of such a lively, funny girl. She could hear Marshall on the phone, probably calling an ambulance. She heard him shout down the phone for them to hurry up.

Connie couldn't move, she shook her head as tears sped down her face, she realized how different her only daughter had started to look lately, she didn't notice the weight loss because Sonny had always worn clothes ten sizes too big for her lately, she hadn't thought anything of it really. She knew that should have been a give away but if she was honest, Sonny would have been the last person she would have thought capable of this. She was so strong, she was the one who never broke down and cried, the one who could make anyone smile.

She wondered what had made Sonny take such drastic action, wondering if this move to Hollywood was a wrong decision. She couldn't help but blame herself, she should have noticed, she should have said something. She should have stopped her.

It all happened so quickly, the paramedics rushed in, checked her over before quickly rushing her back out. Connie climbed in with her, as Tawni and Marshall said they would follow in the car. She grabbed her daughters hand, trying to think what could have happened to her, she understood that this couldn't have come out of nowhere, something happened beforehand. People don't just change overnight.

"I have to phone Chad." Tawni whispered, grabbing her phone, she felt numb inside as she phoned the number. She didn't know what to do any more, could they trust Sonny? Was she going to carry on lying to everyone?

Marshall sighed and bit his lip as he heard Tawni trying her best to explain to Chad what had happened, he could hear Chad crying on the other end before hanging up. He noticed the surprise on Tawni's face as she hung up, managing to cover his own,

"He said he was on his way."

"Good... Sonny would want him there."

"Should I phone everyone?" Tawni looked at Marshall, tears finally running down her face as she looked down at the phone in her hand,

"Just text them, I don't think neither of us are up to explaining it again." Tawni nodded,

"I don't even want to think about now." She put her head on her hand as she looked out of the window, wondering if Sonny was going to be okay, trying to decide what she should put in the text to tell her friends, Sonny's friends, that Sonny had just tried to kill herself. She knew that this was the end, Sonny had to get help after this, everyone knew now. She would have to give it all up.

She sighed as she got out her phone once more, slowly typing the words on the screen, tears coming down her face as she looked at the words before pressing send.


	7. Getting Help

Sonny could hear voices in the distance, not wanting the darkness to go away. She wondered if she could stay here forever, this place was a lot better than anywhere else she had ever been, there was nobody to judge her, nobody would make her do what she didn't want to. _It's not your time yet, you have to go back. One day soon though, I promise you._ Sonny smiled lightly at the girl in front of her and thanked her. She only wished that day would come sooner rather than later, she didn't want to go back to everyone.

She sighed, they would all hate her, now they all knew what she did, what she had done. None of them are going to let her be happy, they will force her to become the Sonny they all love and want, they are going to make her fat again. Sonny didn't want to be her any more. She wanted to live like this for however long her life may be, the other Sonny was never in control, she made pathetic excuses and slacked off. This Sonny would never do such things! She would always be in control, she would always have time for exercise, she would **never** slack off.

Slowly light took over the darkness, and she opened her eyes. Looking around she realized exactly what she had done, and where she was.

"Oh thank god you're awake." She looked up to see the woman she loved so much run over to her and take her in her arms. Sonny shook her head, pushing her mum away and looking away. She didn't deserve any love, any attention. She was a bad person, she was being selfish all the time. She felt a tear fall from her eyes, quickly wiping it away before anyone could see.

"All your friends are still here, they were waiting for you to wake up." Sonny could hear the hurt in her mums voice, _don't mistake that for hurt, it's hate really._

"Good for them." She said numbly, not even looking at the woman. She didn't want to be alive, she didn't want to see anyone and she didn't want anyone to even look at her. She wondered who had found her and what had happened when they did.

She sighed, wondering if Chad was one of the 'friends' waiting for her. And then as if she read her daughters mind, Connie looked at her and smiled,

"Chad is out there... he really wants to speak to you."

"Where's Chad?" She whispered, Connie nodding, noticing how scared Sonny sounded.

"I will go get him for you." She said, walking out of the room to go find him.

"She wants you." Chad nodded slowly, taking small steps to the room where his girlfriend was laying. He wanted to know why she did it, why she wouldn't talk to him about it.

He looked at her laying on the bed, her skin was almost as pale as the hospital sheets she was huddled in. He took a deep breath before walking over to her, kissing her lightly on the forehead.

"I am so glad you're okay." He whispered, almost crying.

"Yeah, I am fine thanks." She sounded so fake, as though everything she was saying was one big lie.

"No you're not, tell me the truth." She shook her head,

"I am, I am sorry for what I did.. I didn't know it would get this far." She looked down at her hands as Chad sighed, Sonny, the love of his life... his everything, was hurting herself and she didn't even seem to care.

After a few moments of silence between the two, Chad finally turned her face to look at him,

"Everything was amazing until now, remember? It was just like a fairytale, our very own fairytale." She shrugged,

"Yeah well, life isn't perfect for long." He nodded, slowly taking his hand from hers, stepping away,

"I am sorry Sonny, I can't do this right now." She looked up at him, and for the first time he noticed exactly how vulnerable she looked right then,

"Please don't leave me." He shook his head, walking back towards her, knowing he loved her too much to leave her alone, not when she was like this.

"I won't, I just need to be alone for a minute. Tawni wants to speak to you, I just need a coffee or something. I will be right back, I promise." He quickly walked out, nodding at Tawni as she got up and walked in with Marshall not far behind her.

_He will leave you soon, he doesn't want or need a stupid, fat girl like you. He can't handle the control we have, he doesn't want us. He wants the fat girlfriend back again, not because he likes it though, but because he will look better than you, because he wants to control you. You are no longer that little girl stuck in a fairytale world, you are a little girl in the real world now. You've grown up, life is not happy, it's horrible and people are going to keep hurting you. _

"Sonny, why did you do it?" Tawni came stumbling in, running up to Sonny's bedside, she just shrugged and looked at Marshall and her mum.

"Do you hate me as well?" She whispered,

"I would never hate you." Connie shook her head and looked down at the floor, attempting to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Me neither, we will help you through this." Marshall grinned at her, Sonny just nodded and then looked at Tawni,

"I don't hate you, I hate what you have become."

"Why? How can you hate something I love so much?"

"Because she is hurting you honey, and you need help." Connie walked over to her daughter and sighed,

"Okay..." Tawni grinned,

"Really?" Sonny looked up, noticing how happy one word had made her... maybe they were trying to help her after all. _No, that's what they want you to think! It's not true, don't let them win!_

"Yeah I guess."

"Good, I am so happy baby, I thought you were going to fight us on this. It will all be okay soon, you will see.

_& all your dreams are made when you're chained to your mirror with a razor blade. _


	8. Psychologist

"I don't know how it feels to be honest.. It's hard to describe."

"Well, just try Sonny, I know you can do this." Sonny took a deep breath and tried to think of the words, biting her lip as she tried to think of something to say,

"I don't know... it's like there is this feeling deep inside of me, a voice, and she is always there to guide me along. She always tells me what to do, what to eat and how to live my life and when I close my eyes I can see her. She is everywhere, she is in my heart and soul... She is leading me to my ultimate goal."

"And what is your ultimate goal?"

"To have control I guess..."

"And do you think you have control now?"

"Sometimes I do.."

"The voice inside your head, you listen to her all the time, am I correct?" Sonny nodded in response, unsure of where the woman was going with this,

"You do what **she** wants, not what you want."

"I guess, but I want it as well."

"Do you really?"

"Yes," Sonny was defensive as she replied, anger flaring up in her eyes,

"Of course I do. I want everything she does."

"She is the only one in control, she is controlling you. And the more you listen to her and give her what she wants, the more she is going to carry on telling you how to life your life. And in the end, she is going to end up killing you."

"It doesn't matter," Sonny shrugged her off,

"I am better off dead anyway. And she is not in control, I am. She is just here to help me along." She rolled her eyes, looking towards the window on the other side of the room,

"And how do **you** feel today?"

"I am fine, thank you for asking." She couldn't believe she was here, she didn't belong here, she didn't want to be here, this stupid psychologist wasn't helping her at all. She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to be here. She could hear the voice shouting at her, telling her to just get up and leave but she knew she couldn't. Her mum and Marshall were on the other side waiting for her, she knew that if she left she would only be forced straight back in. Tawni would hate her, so would everyone else. And what about Marshall? He was paying for all of this crap, Sonny had told him she could do it alone but nobody ever listened to her. They didn't understand how she felt, nobody did.

"Tell me the truth for once, how do you really feel?"

"I don't even know... tired I guess. I am sick and tired of being a nobody." She looked up at the psychologist to see her reaction towards her first honest answer since being here, but there was no chance in appearance, she wasn't even taken back. She sighed,

"This isn't helping me."

"That's because you don't want it to help you, you're the one who doesn't want to be here. Once we get you to believe in yourself once more, then we can work on your being here." Sonny should her head,

"I don't need to recover from anything, I am fine."

"Give it time, you will change your mind one day."

_Just try your hardest to perfect your explanations, just lie until they run out of questions. _

Sonny smiled,

"Sure, I will give it time. Maybe one day I will be normal again."

_So many lies swirling around you, you're suffocating. The empty shape in you steals your breath, you're suffocating. _

"See you next week then." Sonny looked up at the clock, doing her best fake smile, getting up and walking towards the door,

"If you carry on losing weight then I will have to sign you in here as an inpatient Sonny." She smiled, trying to cover up the tears forming in her eyes,

"I won't lose any more then."

_& even as your eyes fill with tears, swear to me that you will not cry. _


	9. Betrayed

It had been four months since Sonny had started 'dieting' and things were getting no better. The threat from her psychologist had only stopped Sonny going to see her at all, she refused to leave her bedroom and she stopped letting anyone see her, especially Chad, Tawni and Marshall. She knew what they would say and do, they want her to be fat. But she won't listen to anyone else any more.

She looked in the mirror once again, hopping onto the scales, dreading to look at what was about to come. The numbers that would determine whether or not she allowed herself to have a salad today. She closed her eyes, taking one deep breath, trying to build up the courage to look. Finally, she opened them, her blue eyes glazed with tears as she looked down at the numbers.

_86lbs, 6 stone and one whole pound of fat. You're getting better, I mean that's two stone? In four months? That could be better, it could always be better. We need to do exercise now, no food today or tomorrow, nothing at all. Yeah that's what we are going to do, we will carry on doing this, we're not good enough yet. Let's see, we shall go for a jog tonight, a long run, and then an extra five hundred sit ups, it will be okay. I promise you that it will be okay. We will be thin. We will be good enough. _

"I hate you." Sonny whispered to the empty room, she was never sure who she was speaking to, was it the voice? Or was she going crazy and talking to herself? If she thought about it she hated both, she hated herself for being so weak, for giving into the celebrity world that she had convinced herself she wouldn't become a part of before she arrived in Hollywood. She was not sure what had happened to her, when did this consume her whole life? When did she stop caring about everything and everyone? She tried to remember who she was five months ago, before all of this happened, it seemed like a different life, a whole lifetime away. A different person, different dreams, different friends, different everything. She could barely remember that girl, now she was just a shadow of her former self, someone not even she could understand, so how could she expect anyone else to?

She wondered when this stopped being about control, when it stopped being about perfection, when it stopped being about everyone else's opinion on her. Instead it was about the numbers, always the numbers. Nothing else mattered as long as they were going down. Her whole self worth depended on those scales. She wasn't supposed to be like this, she didn't care about anything like this, she never had and she never should have started caring – this wasn't who she was. It never should have gone this far.

_STOP IT! JUST, STOP IT! DON'T DO THIS AGAIN, DO NOT WISH ME AWAY, YOU NEED ME AND YOU WANT ME. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE THIS WAS MEANT TO ME. PEOPLE CHANGE... GET USED TO IT. _

Sonny nodded, wiping away the tears that had found their way down her pale face. She knew that the voice was right, people change all the time. And yes, she had to get used to it, just like everyone else would.

_Fat! Fat! Fat!_

_Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!_

_Worthless! Worthless! Worthless!_

She took no time in getting out the knife, she had been doing it often since getting out of the hospital. But she knew she wouldn't go that far again, not yet, not until it was her time. She just wanted to stop feeling numb, she wanted to be able to feel something, even if it was more pain. It felt good to know she was still alive, she was still there. She was still Sonny deep down.

She looked up from the bleeding cut when her bedroom door knocked,

"Hang on!" She hid the knife quickly, wrapping up her arm before pulling down her sleeve. She smiled at her mother as she walked in,

"Chad wants to speak to you."

"Oh.." She whispered, she had been pushing him away for a few weeks now. It wasn't that she didn't love him, but he was the one holding her back. He tried to make her eat, he was the only one who made her feel guilty for not eating. He cried, he begged her, and when he did she had no idea what to do, she hated feeling obliged to eat, so she stopped seeing him. But today, she wanted him, she wanted to reach out and touch him, to have him hold her in his strong arms, to hear his voice telling her that everything was going to be okay. She needed him and she wanted to be told she was something, she wanted him to tell her she was beautiful.

She nodded, walking past her mother into the living room.

"I wanted to show you something." Chad whispered, taking her hand in his as he lead her out of the door, winking at her mother before walking down the path. She didn't notice him getting out his phone and pressing send.

She walked next to him for a while, neither of them saying a word.

"Where are we going?" She finally asked, it was the first time Chad had heard her speak in so long, and she noticed the surprise on his face. She didn't understand why, she hadn't changed that much in the month since she had seen him. Chad stared at her, her small voice reminding him of a lost child's. She needed help, even if she didn't want to admit it to anyone, not even to herself.

"It's a surprise."

"Does this surprise include food?" She sighed, her eyes wide with fear at the thought of being forced to do something she hated, stopping in her tracks and taking a step backwards. Chad smiled, taking her hand again and pulling her forward,

"No, it doesn't. I promise you... how are you?" She looked up at him, trying to smile,

"Okay I think, you?"

"I am better now I have finally seen you." He said, kissing her gently on the lips, wrapping one arm around her shoulder. He was scared about hugging her too tight, afraid she would break any second now. He kissed her on the forehead, stroking her hair,

"I am so sorry." He whispered, she looked up at him looking scared and confused,

"What?" Then as they turned the corner she saw them all, Mr Marshall, Tawni, Zora, Grady and Nico, and worst of all... a doctor. She shook her head,

"Why would you do this to me?"

"I wanted to help you Sonny."

"Help me?" She shrieked,

"You just want to make me fat again! You want me to die, don't you?"

"You're dying now!" He shouted back at her,

"No I'm not! I'm too fat, I can't die yet. Just a few more pounds." _Just a few more pounds till I am happy, a few more pounds till I am thin. Run Sonny, run far, far away. _She nodded, turning around ready to run, crying out when she saw her mother behind her, she shook her head at her.

"You're in on this as well! What the hell did I do to you all to make you hate me so much?" She sobbed, trying to get out of the grip her mother now had her in, but she was too weak to struggle for long. She didn't know what else to do, so she dropped to the floor crying, hoping that maybe they would just feel sorry for her.

"Please don't do this to me, please just leave me alone. I'm fine, really, I am." She felt Chad wrap his arms around her and hold her as she cried,

"I am so sorry baby, but this is for you own good. You're not getting any better, you're only getting worse. I want to make sure you're okay again, I want Sonny back." He whispered,

"I would rather die than go back to hospital." She muttered into his shirt,

"Don't say that baby, I love you so much, please.." He could feel tears dripping heavily down his own cheeks, he just wanted to help her. That's why he paid for this, that's why he got her into this clinic. It wasn't too far away and they would all be able to see her whenever they wanted to. He just wanted to help her but he had this bad feeling that he had made everything so much worse.

"Chad, it's time." Marshall walked up to the two,

"Sonny, you have to go okay? You have to go and get some help." She shook her head, clinging onto him as tight as she could. He had no idea what to say or do, lifting her up, taken back by how light she actually was.

"No! Chad don't let them take me away! Please!" She screamed, trying to get out of his arms, but he carried on walking waiting until she was too tired to even fight him any more. It wasn't long until she was, she hadn't eaten in so long, she couldn't even find the energy to fight.

"Please." She whispered before he put her in the car. The doctor nodded at him, shutting the door as Chad stepped back. She was too tired to fight the inevitable as she just lay there, she was sick and tired of fighting all the time.

He stepped forward, putting his hand on the car window as she stared back at him, the fear evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, turning around to see Tawni clinging to Connie, trying to comfort her as tears ran down her face as well. They watched as the car drove away, they knew she would be safe now as they all looked at each other, happy they were able to get her there without too much of a battle.


	10. Alone At Last

Disclaimer: I don't own Sonny With A Chance.

**Warning: Bad language used in this chapter! **

**I apologize to anyone in advance who may take offence**

**I didn't want to use it but it seemed appropriate for the situation. **

**& as this chapter is based on a real life situation, this is actually what that person said..**

**Sonny's Point Of View**

I lay here waiting, waiting for somebody to save me or for someone to realize that I don't belong here. I am waiting for someone to notice that I don't want to be here. I never wanted to be here, I tried my best to get over this, but it all got too hard, everyone just expects me to get better all of a sudden and I did try, I just wanted to make everyone proud of me. I don't care now though, nobody even comes to see me any more, nobody cares about me at all. It's just me and the voice inside of my head right now, the one who is doing the exact opposite of what the doctors want – she's getting stronger and stronger every single day. She is the only thing keeping me going right now, she is the only reason I have to live.

I have been refusing food since I got here, I stupidly believed they would send me home if I carried on. They would get fed up of me like everyone else has and send me away again, but no. I woke up this morning with a IV tube pumping food into my body. I felt like crying when I saw it, the sugary solution inside of it finding it's way to my rolls of fat and only trying to make me fatter.

I stared at the simple device, thinking about what would happen to me if I pulled it out. Nothing could happen, I didn't think it would any way. Just a little pull, it wouldn't hurt anyone would it?

_Pull it out Sonny, just think of all those calories going into your body right now. They are breaking everything we have made for ourselves, they are going to shatter our world into tiny pieces. And then you will be obese again! Do you want that?! Do you?! _

I shuddered, silently agreeing with that voice. I knew she was right, it was wrong to keep this thing inside of me for as long as it has been, I had to do something about it. I looked around, making sure that nobody was around before quickly yanking it out, I smiled to myself as I watched the blood drip down my arm as the needle fell to the floor. I had done something good and worthwhile for once, if only they could all see my strength, how much it had taken for me to make so little of myself. But no, all they could see was this fat girl who needed to be fatter, nobody wants me to be happy. They all wanted me to be 'normal' whatever the hell that was, I don't want to be fat any more. I just want to free, I just want to feel loved.

Slowly my world faded to black, I could hear voices around me and I smiled, maybe it was my time now. Maybe I could be free now, free to live the way I wanted instead of being stuck in some hospital who believed they could make everything better, they thought they could make everything go away. I laughed inwardly at this, they can never help me, I don't even need help. I just want too be alone, I just want everything to be okay again. I just want it to be a secret again.

When I woke up I noticed the IV tube again, I groaned loudly, after all my hard work to get that thing out then they ruin it?!

_Pull it back out, they can't do anything about it. They will get fed up soon, they will give up on you like everyone else and let you go home._

I nodded, trying to lift my arms to pull it out once more, I stared at my arms in shock when they wouldn't move. I froze when I realized why. Stupid restraints, how dare they? I didn't even do anything wrong, I don't deserve this. I cried out for someone to get them off of me, I just wanted the horrible tube out, why won't anyone help me?

I gave up in the end, lifting up my head to bite it off, I had to stop it getting into me, I was only thinking about that. As long as I didn't have the solution being polluted into my blood then I wouldn't gain weight and I wouldn't get fat again. Simple.

"Don't." I heard someone speak up from the door, I looked up at the person standing there and shook my head, tears ran down my face as I pleaded with her to help me,

"Just leave it alone." Tawni whispered, walking into the room, I noticed she had been crying, I looked away quickly, not being able to look at anyone else after knowing the pain I was putting them through,

"Why should I?"

"Because we all love you and we don't want anything to happen to you."

"Nothings going to happen to me." I whispered,

"Just leave it alone." She repeated,

"It hurts too much, please get it out, please help me.." I noticed the look in her eyes, how dark they were and how much pain was evident in them. Was it all because of me?

"Please..." I whimpered, she shook her head and sighed,

"No Sonny, just don't pull it out." I lost it then,

"I can't fucking pull it out, can I?! I hate you! I hate all of you! Just get out of here, leave me the fuck alone! Just get this stupid thing out of me and let me go home. I don't want to be here. Just fuck off!!" I shouted as loud as I could, my throat felt dry and sore when I finally calmed myself down,

"You know what, we will leave you here all alone if that's what you want but you're not leaving here until you're better."

"I want to die.." I whispered,

"At the rate you're going Sonny, that will be pretty soon." I watched her run out of the room as tears ran down her face, I looked away from the door and refused to allow myself to cry. Good, I told myself, I want to die. It was the only way out of this thing I call a life. I just want to be alone, I was never alone. If it wasn't 'her' then it would be one of my friends, or family or Chad. I just want to be safe.

Half an hour after Tawni had run out a doctor came in, I took one look at him before turning away again. I didn't want to see anyone, and he was at the bottom of the list. He was one of those people, the ones who forced feed me with lies, the one who wanted to make me eat again just so I could fit into a society they had deemed as normal. I didn't care any more about anything or anyone.

"Sonny look at me please." I rolled my eyes, turning around to glare at him,

"You need to start eating, you don't want to die do you?" He asked me gently, I shrugged,

"May as well." He started to look at the tube of fat, yes, I had renamed it.

"You're putting too much pressure on your heart, the weaker your body gets then the weaker that vital muscle gets. And then one day it's just going to give in." I shook my head, not even caring,

"And? Your point being?" I replied, sarcastically. I tried to sit up, finding it too hard, so I finally gave up.

"You have lost more weight, you're lighter than when you came into our care, we don't know what to do any more."

"So I can go home?"

"No... if you carry on like this then you will be constantly sedated while we force feed you through an NG tube... do you want that Sonny?"

"What's that?"

"NG means NastroGastric. It's a tube that is inserted into your nose, giving you the essential nutrients you need to stay alive. That way, all the food goes straight to your something, helping you gain weight." I felt my heart beat faster, I was panicking, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want that, I just want to be alone.

"You have to try and eat." I shook my head,

"You don't understand, none of you do. I want to, really I do but I just can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I guess I don't want it enough..." He sighed, shaking his head,

"We want to help you, but you need to get this into your head, we are not the enemy." I felt hot tears fall down my face as I nodded, I didn't want to be force fed but I didn't want to die.

"Please help me..." I whispered,

"How can we do that?"

"Make her go away..."

"Who is 'her'?" He pressed me gently, never losing the patronising smile on his face,

"The voice in my head... she won't leave me alone. I just want her to go away. I just want to be happy again."

"We can help you with that, but you're going to have to help yourself as well. You need to start eating."

"But she won't let me. I am so scared." I sounded like a child, I sounded terrified and I knew for once he believed me.

"We will start with that then, okay? We will work on the thoughts first before even thinking about the eating side of things. Does that sound safe?" I nodded, trying to stop the tears from falling, then I felt it. I cried out in pain, grabbing my bed sheet that lay underneath my hands, I tried to think past the pain, a constant beeping in my ear making it hard.

Then I realized what it was.

My heart machine.

I could feel my world going black, then nothing. No voice, no little girl, nobody. I was finally at peace...

I was finally alone, just like I had always wanted...


	11. Waking Up

Chad slowly walked up to the 'So Random!' group in the cafeteria, he held his head down, trying to think of what to say. If anyone was looking closely enough you could see he had been crying. They all looked up when they saw him, immediately knowing something was wrong, they saw the tears forming in his eyes again, he could see a tear falling down Tawni's face already, jumping to conclusions,

"She's okay... I think." She nodded, biting her lip, looking down at the plate of food in front of her.

"What is it then?" Nico asked,

"Sonny..." Tears started to flood his eyes all over again, Tawni looked scared again, her fork dropping from her hand as she stared at him,

"She went into cardiac arrest early this morning." He looked at the tears falling down those who cared so much about his girlfriend faces. He shook his head,

"She is stable now, her heart stopped for a while but they managed to get her back. She hasn't woken up yet, I came here to see if any of you wanted to come see her with me." Zora, Grady and Nico nodded, looking at Tawni. Chad noticed the look on her face, she was clearly more upset than everyone else, and a lot more frustrated.

"I left her there when she asked for help." She whispered,

"She asked me for help and I just walked out of there. She told me she wanted to die and I didn't help her. I just left her." Zora wrapped her arm around the now heavily crying Tawni,

"It's okay Tawni, Sony isn't in the right state of mind right now and you were just upset." She whispered, Chad nodded, holding out his hand to help her up.

"Come on, she needs us now."

The drive there was quiet, nobody really knew what to say. They were all wondering how Sonny was and how she would be when she woke up. They were all thinking about how she used to be, Chad smiled as he remembered that time at the mall with her.

_Chad and Sonny were walking, eating their ice creams, hand in hand. He grinned as he pulled her towards him, not caring who was looking right then, only for the romantic move to backfire when Sonny crashed into him, her ice cream splattering all down his top. He gasped as she laughed loudly, _

_  
"You uh... you really should watch where you're going." She grinned, _

_  
"Oh, you want to take me on?" He looked down at the stain, knowing if it had been anyone else he would have gone mad, he smiled at her as he took a step towards her, putting his __finger into his own ice cream, dabbing it on her nose. _

_  
"Bad move." She ran away from him, giggling as he quickly ran after her, finally they stopped when he caught up to her, wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her in and kissing her gently. She stopped laughing suddenly, and looked away from him shyly. She put her hand in his as they carried on walking, happy to just be together. _

Chad smiled at the memory, he loved her so much, even then. So early on in the relationship he knew he loved her. Sonny was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wished he could have helped her sooner. He could have told her she wasn't fat, he could have helped her in so many ways.

"What are you thinking about Chad?" Zora leaned forward in her seat, looking at the boy, she had noticed the absent smile on his face as he continued driving, he shook his head and then laughed.

"Just something Sonny and I did a while ago. When we first started dating." Tawni smiled with Chad,

"She loves you so much." She said absently,

"What happened?" Zora wanted to hear the story, looking at Chad as he shrugged,

"We were just messing around, walking around the mall... we were eating ice cream." Tears fell down his face when he mentioned Sonny eating, she wouldn't eat in front of him or anyone else any more.

"She got it down my top and then I was messing around by putting some on her nose. She was so happy back then, we could just laugh for ages. She was amazing.. she still is. But back then, even though it wasn't ages ago, we could just have a laugh and I wouldn't have to worry about her dropping dead any minute." His grip tightened on the wheel, Tawni put her hand on his arm and smiled,

"It's okay, we need to be there for her right now. We will make her better." Chad nodded, calming down a little, he hated thinking about what used to be, she may never be that way again, he may never have his Sonny back.

"She can get better you know..." Grady spoke up,

"She needs us all." They all nodded,

"Will she ever be the Sonny we remember?" Zora asked, wondering if they could ever get her back,

"Yes, when she is fully recovered she may be, but it's going to take time." They all looked up, all hoping that she would get better. They loved her so much, they couldn't lose her, not to this.

They rushed into the hospital, looking for Sonny's room. They had all been here so often they where where it was, they looked outside at first before entering just in case her mother or someone else was already in there with her. Once they saw the coast was clear they all smiled at each other before walking in.

"Hey Sonny." Chad whispered to the sleeping girl,

"I missed you. I don't want anything to happen to you. Please Sonny." He started to cry when he held her hand in his, smiling down at her.

"I love you so much." He whispered as he smoothed a hair out of eyes.

A doctor came in shortly after they arrived and then looked around at the group,

"You must be Sonny's friends." He said,

"Yeah... how is she?" Tawni asked, the doctor shook his head,

"She is stable at the moment but it was a very close call. She could have died and she almost did. I was hoping she would be awake by now though." Chad shook his head and looked down at his girlfriend,

"What happened?" He asked, not really wanting to know the answer, he was so scared. He was scared about what was going to happen to her and what that could mean for everyone who loved her.

"I was speaking with her... I was finally getting somewhere after she had tried to pull her IV out. She wasn't lying... I could tell that much. She asked for my help, she was upset at the time. She told me she wanted to eat but the voice in her head wouldn't allow her to do so. She finally admitted that she had a problem, and that was the first step to recovery. Then she asked me if the voice could go away, if I could make it leave her alone. Then her heart machine starting going off, I knew what was happening. Because she is so thin Sonny has put too much pressure on her now weaker heart, and it finally gave in. She suffered a severe cardiac arrest, it took us a few minutes to get her heart beating again and that's why she has been put on oxygen, we are not sure if there has been any brain damage caused by the lack of oxygen. We won't know until she wakes up."

Finally Sonny started to wake up, the doctor ran to her to help her with the breathing tube, quickly getting the nurse to help him replace the tube with a new one for her nose, just to make sure she could talk to everyone.

"Chad?" She croaked, she looked at him, trying to smile,

"Hey baby." He smiled back at her, and then went immediately back to her side,

"I was so worried about you."

"Sorry." She looked away from him and he held her hand once more,

"I love you."

"I love you too." She whispered, still not looking at him,

"I don't want to do this any more." She sighed,

"Do what?"

"This... any of it."

"Do you think you want to recover?" He asked, grinning when she nodded, looking up at her friends,

"I miss the real me." She whispered to him sadly,

"Me too." He nodded in agreement, and then wrapped his arms around her,

"I am going to help you..."

"Thank you."

_You're going to lose me Sonny, you think you don't care now but imagine a life without me. Imagine who you will be without me, you will be nothing. I am your everything, and without me you are nothing! Don't you dare stop thinking about me. Don't you dare wish I was not here! No Sonny, stay with me. _

_**Stay with me!**_


	12. Help

Sonny sat alone in her hospital room the next day, wondering what was going to happen to her now. She knew she had to recover, and she knew she wanted to recover but she didn't know how she could.

She knew that the voice wasn't just going to give up and go away, and she wasn't even sure if she could live without it any more. She sighed, looking around the hospital room. She had been here for so long, she was just starting to think about getting used to it. Maybe this would be her life from now on, maybe this was how things were meant to be. Maybe.

Chad watched his girlfriend from the door, she had no idea he was there. He just liked to stand there and watch her sometimes, he couldn't help but think she would be so much better off without him. The pressure of going out with him was too much for some people, and that added to being a celebrity yourself, well this was just asking for all of this to happen. Maybe she could recover without him around her all the time, she didn't need him. He sighed, walking away from the room, he just needed a break away from everything. Even the person he loved.

Tawni, Zora, Grady, Nico and Marshall sat in the waiting room with Connie, all of them looking down at the floor,

"What can we do?" Tawni whispered, she hadn't spoken to Sonny since she had left that evening, she wasn't sure if Sonny even wanted to speak to her. She felt tears fall down her face again, glad when Connie put her arms around her, hushing her daughters best friend as tears fell from her own eyes.

"It's all going to be okay. Look, why don't you go speak to her now? I am sure everything will be okay between the two of you, you're her best friend." Tawni nodded, slowly getting up, walking away from them and taking a deep breath before entering the now familiar hospital room.

"Hey." She whispered as she walked in, Sonny looked up and grinned at her,

"Hiya!" She tried to sit up but Tawni knew it was too difficult for her, shaking her head as she approached the bed,

"No, don't please. You need to rest." She wrapped her arms around the tiny girl, the girl who had been so happy once, the girl that always had a bounce in her step, a grin on her face and a sparkle in her eyes. And now there was none of that, the smile never reached her eyes, the sparkle was now just a dim light, she couldn't walk on her own without collapsing, she wasn't Sonny any more.

"I am so sorry for what I said to you before." Tawni whispered,

"No, don't be. I was being unreasonable. You were right." Tawni looked at her, smiling,

"I love you so much, you're like the only best friend I have ever had other than myself.." She laughed a little,

"I just want you to get better again, I want the old Sonny back. And I will help you in whatever way I can."

"Tawni.. I don't know what to do any more." A lone tear slid down Sonny's cheek, dropping down onto the white covers,

"I am so scared of losing everything I have made for myself, but I am scared of losing everything else.. everyone else."

"You don't need to be scared Sonny. Look, you have lost so much weight that you are here," She gestured at the small hospital room they were both in,

"You are stuck in this hospital bed because you're too weak to move. You need this Sonny, you need help and you need to recover. I promise you that losing everything you have made yourself is not a bad thing, it's a good thing... a great thing. We all love you, we really do but we miss the old you." She took a deep breath, smiling a little as she thought about the Sonny before all of this,

"We miss the Sonny who could just light up a room whenever she walked in, we miss the Sonny who could trip over anything... even air." She laughed again,

"We miss the Sonny who would dance around the set, making a complete fool of herself." She looked down at the now Smiling Sonny,

"Please Sonny, let yourself live again." Tawni felt the tears drip from her own eyes once again, and Sonny looked up at her again,

"I know I have to recover, I just don't understand how."

"You will soon, it's going to take some time, but we are all going to help you through it."

"Where is my mum?" Sonny whispered, biting her lip as Tawni looked down at the floor, sighing,

"She can't see you like this, she said..." Sonny just nodded,

"I don't blame her, she loves me, I know that but sometimes things get too hard for her..." Tawni nodded, trying to understand how Connie could stay away from Sonny for so long,

"It's okay though, when you get out of here you're coming to stay with me." She grinned at her friend,

"Why?"

"Your mum is going to move back home for a while, she didn't think you would be able to handle the flight but my mum is a doctor, so I offered." Tawni grinned again but Sonny shook her head,

"I couldn't do that to you and your family."

"No! Your my best friend, my mother doesn't mind and my father is just glad that I have a friend." Sonny nodded, sighing when the nurse walked in,

"Sorry, you have to leave now. Sonny's first counselling session is in five minutes." Tawni nodded, smiling down at the now scared Sonny,

"I will see you later, okay?" She nodded, turning on her side, Tawni could tell she didn't want to talk about it but they both knew that if she ever wanted to recover, she was going to have to.

~ .. ~

Sonny was sat up in her bed after some help from the nurse when the psychologist walked in. She was a short woman, healthy weight and pretty. She was younger than the clothes she wore, and when she walked in she grinned at Sonny. And if there was thing Sonny couldn't stand, it was fakers. She had done enough of the wide grins to last her a lifetime, she had no idea if she could stand others doing it.

She didn't want to be here, she didn't want this stupid woman telling her how to recover and why she should. She could feel herself starting to panic, hearing the heart machine going off again, causing her to panic even more. She could see the nurse running to her side, trying to calm her down and then Tawni ran in – much to Sonny's delight. She could feel herself calming down, Tawni would help her, she wasn't going to smile at Sonny when she knew nothing was going to be alright. She wouldn't lie to her.

Tawni hugged her tight,

"Calm down honey." She whispered to her friend, eventually Sonny's heart machine next to her started to go back down to a normal pace, but Sonny still clung onto Tawni for dear life.

"Thank you." She whispered, the psychologist looked at the scene in front of her and then at the nurse,

"Tawni is it?" Tawni nodded, smoothing Sonny's hair down as she fussed over her,

"Maybe you should stay here while Sonny and I talk. Would you like that Sonny? Would it make you feel any better?" Sonny nodded, finally letting go of Tawni.

"Can I ask why?" Tawni asked, as politely as she could,

"Well, Sonny just had a panic attack, which is completely common in situations like this. But it seemed like you managed to calm her down, and by you being here it might help Sonny to be comfortable with me until she feels safe enough to be alone with me." Sonny looked down at her hands, embarrassed by the whole thing and Tawni just nodded, taking a seat next to the bed and holding Sonny's hand.

"Okay, so Sonny, how about we start with why you chose this?" Sonny just shrugged, staring at the blank wall in front of her, she didn't know herself, so how in the hell did this woman expect her to know?

"Now, this is going to be hard, I accept that. Most people have no idea why they are the way they are, and why they do this to themselves but that is what I am here for." Sonny didn't say anything, she just carried on staring at the wall. She felt Tawni gently squeeze her hand, and she turned to look at her. She sighed,

"Sonny, in order for me to help you, you have to be able to help yourself. And a good start would be to talk to me."

"I know." Sonny whispered,

"I just don't know what started everything."

"I can help you with that." Sonny nodded and shrugged,

"My parents split up when I was younger, dad left us so it was just me and my mum... um... we never had much money until we moved here?" She heaved a deep sigh, she had no idea what to say about her childhood, there was nothing much to say about it,

"It's okay.. we won't be seeing each other again for another two days so I want you to write down everything you feel in this diary." She handed Sonny a small, purple book and Sonny took it, looking down at it confused,

"Just write down anything you feel like, anything you remember, how you feel now. Write down your dreams." Sonny nodded, looking down at the book she held in her hands, taking a deep breath,

"So all I have to do is write in here? And then what?"

"I will take a look at it, and then together, will we try and work out why you started starving yourself."


	13. Diary

The next few weeks went fast for everyone. Sonny was finally doing okay and was due to be released from hospital soon. It had been arranged that she would stay with Tawni – who would take a few weeks off work – until Connie returned from her trip away.

Sonny was still underweight, but no longer in need of a feeding tube. Although, she had been warned that if there was even a chance of a set back she would have to be put straight back on. She was doing well though, and everyone could see that. Even Sonny knew that this was all for the best.

Counselling was finally doing her some good, she had finally accepted that she had to talk to this woman even if she didn't like her. She had helped her discover the initial cause of anorexia in the first place, and by knowing this she was supposed to get through that at first, before tackling the actual anorexia.

Sonny sighed, looking down at the diary in her hands as she sat up in her hospital bed, there was one diary entry she could remember all too well, and it wouldn't leave her mind no matter how much she tried to think about something else. She flicked it over to the page, tears glazing her eyes as she read it over and over again, trying to make sense of the whole thing.

**Dear Diary, **

**I had a really weird dream last night, it's a dream I have had many times before and it never fails to scare me. I don't know why to be honest, I guess it can be scary if you think about it but still.. **

**Basically I am always in this same house, although I am never able to place this house to anyone I know, but I just feel like I have been there before. But anyway, I am sitting there on my own when this man comes up to me, he sits down next to me and starts talking to me. I felt at ease with him, it was like I knew him and he was easy to get on with, but I don't remember seeing him ever before. He seemed calm, and the dream me seemed happy when he spoke to me. **

**Then he put his arm around me, and I felt okay with it, it wasn't in the romantic way, but more like a fatherly kind of way. I laughed as he joked with me, and even laughed when he kissed me on the cheek. And then he just left, and I cried, I cried for ages. And then nothing was right any more, I was outside – you know how scenes change in dreams all of a sudden – and I was sitting down, crying and everybody was laughing at me, telling me how much I have changed and how nobody even likes me any more and nobody wants me in their life. **

**Then I woke up, and it still didn't feel right. I don't remember this man at all, but for some reason I feel like I know him. He looked scary... he was bald, with bright blue eyes, a little stubble which tickled when he kissed me and he was a large man, in height and width. I don't know why I always have this dream, I mean obviously not the same one, sometimes we are different places but he is usually in it. I always feel the same with him around. I always end up crying. **

**Anyway, I feel okay today I guess. The voice is slowly dying, she is leaving me which in a way is good, I can't help but feel that I want her here though, just to make me feel better sometimes and to help me understand some stuff. But I know that I will be okay without her soon. I know I wasn't a better person with her around, but sometimes there is just this nagging feeling, that maybe, just maybe.. with her, I was who I am supposed to be. I just want to forget all of this though, I want to move in with my life.. but I guess it won't be that easy. **

**Chad came to see me today! I feel happy when I am with him but something is wrong, he is acting so weird lately. It was almost like he doesn't want to be here with me any more, and who can blame him really? **

**He said I was being stupid when I asked him about it, but I don't think he loves me any more, at least not like how he used to love me. I have put way too much strain on the relationship, I mean come on, it's too much to handle for my own mother, imagine how my boyfriend feels. **

**Today is the day we may finally discover why I turned to anorexia when things got too much for me to handle. Maybe it can all go away, hopefully. **

She had no idea why but there was so much more to that dream than any others. It was also the first day she thought that Chad was going to leave her... of course he hadn't.. yet.

It soon turned out that this man was a family friend, maybe even family, he had taken 'advantage' of Sonny when she was about six years old. The dream was about her being able to trust him and then crying because she couldn't trust him any more. She kept remembering her friends and family telling her how much she had changed after the age of six.

Also, because her father was never around she had never had that father daughter relationship she so obviously craved – and her huge fear of people leaving her, had developed from this.

And then there was the control issue, something Sonny had never thought she had. People had always told her she never had any control over what was going to happen to her or anyone else, and she set out on an impossible task of proving them wrong. With her anorexia, she needed control to keep the secret.

She looked around the room, tears falling down her face, there were so many negative feelings just floating around her, and none of them had ever been dealt with so in the end it all came into one bubble, and had finally burst within her, causing this hideous monster; Anorexia.

After she had found that out, her dreams about him began to lessen, instead dreaming about what he had done to her – something that never failed to make her cry, but something she knew was completely normal. She would deal with it though, with the help of those she knew loved her.

She was so glad to finally know what had happened, it took her a while to overcome the fact that it wasn't her fault, and she didn't force it all upon herself. She was glad to finally let go of something that held her back for so long. Her childhood had been taken away from her in such a cruel way, and she wasn't about to let the rest of her teenage years, and adulthood be taken away from her as well.

She took a look around the room that had been her home for five months now, smiling. She thought about how she got the change to recover, knowing it would hard but at least she could try.

At least she could look at herself in the mirror, and know – even if she fails – that she tried.


	14. Dumped

Sonny had been doing so well in recovery for a while, but then something happened. She didn't even know what, she woke up one morning feeling like she always used to. She ran to the mirror and looked at herself, she remembered the feeling before but this time it was even worse. She was so disgusting and fat, and she had let herself get this way all over again, she carried on eating over and over again and now she was right back to where she used to be – if not worse.

She hated herself so much right now, she hated how she looked and how she felt. She cried so much that morning and for the first time since getting out of hospital Sonny had cut, she cut deep but not deep enough to actually be taken to hospital this time. She didn't know what else to do, her psychologist had told her that a relapse was to be expected one day, but she had never thought it would feel this bad. She never wanted to feel like this all over again.

Nothing even triggered the behavior this time, yesterday was so normal and so happy. She had been at work, and was having frozen yogurt with everyone else – just like she used to. Then she went to Tawni's house and they had a fun girly night in. Sonny had spent most of her night texting Chad, both sending sweet nothings to each other. Everything was so perfect last night. This was all so sudden and so scary.

She cried until Tawni found her, huddled up in a ball with her whole body shaking with sobs taking over her body,

"Sonny? What's wrong?" Tawni was immediately at her best friends side, her arm on her shoulder as she tried to offer some form of comfort to her, _no! No! We are not going to get caught again Sonny! Don't you dare! _

"Nothing." She muttered numbly,

"Just a bad dream." She smiled as best she could,

"About that man?" Sonny nodded, feeling bad about lying about something she really shouldn't, but she needed to succeed this time and she didn't want anyone to find out. She knew she could not fail at all this time.

She calmed herself down after a while and smiled at Tawni, she wanted her to believe everything was okay and everything was perfect. Tawni smiled back at her and let her be, telling her that breakfast would be ready for her downstairs once she got dressed. She just nodded and spent the next 10 minutes in her room, thinking of how she would get out of this now. She didn't know what to do, maybe throw it all up after? Maybe wait half an hour till it was too late? But then she knew that Lisa (**A/N Tawni's mum.)** would make her stay and eat it even if she was late for school. She sighed, she had got herself into such a mess.

"Hey, you want toast?" Sonny shook her head,

"I don't feel very well" She said quietly, looking at the floor. She felt like she was going to cry and she really wanted to. But she held herself together, she was supposed to be strong.

"Really? Well you do look a bit pale. Did you eat last night?" Sonny nodded, remembering everything she had put in her body the night before, all the fat and all the calories. She hadn't gotten rid of anything for so long, no wonder she was so fat and disgusting. No wonder the numbers on the scale were going up.

"Yeah she did mum" Tawni stuck up for her and Sonny smiled gratefully at her,

"I feel sick" She eventually said, she actually did so it wasn't really a lie. Nothing she couldn't handle but still.. she wasn't going to eat and that was that.

"Okay but you will have to have extra lunch if you feel better later okay?" Sonny nodded and hugged Lisa,

"It's probably because of a bad dream I had last night, I sometimes feel ill after them" Lisa nodded slowly, biting her lip, unsure of what to do,

"Okay. See you later girls"

Sonny didn't go to lunch that day. Tawni and the rest of their cast members were worried about her, especially when she did not turn up for last lesson of the day when rehearsal was over and done with.

They should have known something was wrong. They looked around for her, after a while giving up once they realized they had no idea where she would do. Tawni didn't know what to say to her mum, she didn't know how to tell her that Sonny had gone back to it all, but then again Tawni wasn't sure about that. She was only guessing, Sonny may just want some time alone. But Tawni highly doubted that.

Sonny didn't return at all that night. Lisa phoned the police and then the hospital, letting them know what was going on, trying to make sure she would have a place to go back to if this was in fact a setback. As soon as Sonny came back they would have to assess her mental state and then see if she needed to go back. Her counselor was quickly called and she came around the next day, asking questions and trying to figure out why this had happened so suddenly. They all knew that Sonny had to come home sometime.

She finally returned the next evening, biting her lower lip as she entered the house, she knew what they would have done, she knew that they were going to call the hospital and she would have some explaining to do. She knew they would do this to her, she didn't know why she went back but she was scared of being out there on her own.

"Where were you?" Zora asked her,

"Around." Sonny just shrugged, Tawni looked at her and shook her head,

"What happened?"

"Nothing" Sonny muttered, looking down at the floor,

"Yes it did.. when I found you crying yesterday it wasn't because of a dream was it?" Sonny nodded,

"Yes it was."

"No... you heard 'her' again didn't you? You haven't eaten at all have you?" Sonny laughed a cold laugh, causing Tawni to look at her with shock,

"What do you care?" She sounded so cold and in so much in pain,

"I care a lot Sonny, you need to get help again as soon as possible. We won't let this happen again." Sonny just shook her head and smiled,

"I am fine." Her eyes had darkened over, they were starting to shine again during recovery but now they had gone back to the way they were during hospital, and her voice was distant, as though she wasn't actually there anymore.

"The Doctors are on their way..." Lisa finally said, she had gone out into the kitchen to make the phone call, even she could see Sonny had been taken over again. It was like she was possessed, they knew Sonny would hate to be there again but they also knew it was for the best.

Sonny looked around the room, her eyes wide with terror as she finally broke down,

"Please don't send me back!" She cried as she fell to the floor,

"We won't have to if you stop doing this to yourself. Don't let her take over again Sonny, please!"

"I am so sorry. I don't know what happened. I don't want her back, make her go away again." Tawni sat down next to the sobbing girl and held her as close as she could.

"It will be okay. The sooner we get all of this sorted then the sooner you can get through this okay?" Sonny nodded slowly,

"I won't be there for long then?" Tawni shook her head and rubbed Sonny's back.

"I promise you, it's good that you came home. If you came back sooner then we could have helped you sooner, but you know that the sooner we catch this then the easier it will be for you to get back on track. They can help you more than we can." Sonny nodded,

"I just want to be okay." She cried, Zora sat down next to her on the other side and hugged her as well,

"You will be okay one day, it's going to take time." Sonny nodded,

"Yeah I know." They sat like this for a while before Chad came in, asking to speak to Sonny before the doctors came to take her away again. Sonny sighed and stood up and went with him, she knew that he wouldn't be happy with the sudden set back. She wasn't expecting what was about to happen though.

He took her outside and carried on walking towards the beach, she followed him slowly, not really sure what to say or do. He looked angry but upset at the same time. They finally got down to the beach and he stopped, she ran to catch up with him and she smiled at him as best she could, trying to make sure it reached her eyes, so that he knew that it would all be okay soon.

"What is it Chad?" He shook his head and looked at her, he took her hands in his and then looked at her in the eyes, tears glazing his own eyes as he looked down at his girlfriend,

"I'm sorry Sonny... I can't be with you anymore."

"Why not?"

"I can't love someone like you... It hurts to much to see you do this to yourself."

"I'm sorry Chad. I can stop, I can try. Please don't leave me."

"I can't do this anymore Sonny, I love you but I don't want to watch you do this anymore, I can't. It's too hard."

"No.... Please Chad!" She reached out to grab his hand when he pulled away from her,

"Please, I can't do this anymore, I will try my best, please don't leave me."

"I have to, it's for your own good." He walked away, shaking his head. Tears rolled down his face as he turned to see the fragile girl behind him, crying. He took one last look before running home. One last look at the love of his life.

She ran back to Tawni's crying, she started to shake once she got to the door. He didn't want her anymore, he didn't want her at all.. What was she going to do without him? How was she going to cope?

Tawni ran up to her once she saw the crying girl,

"What did he do?" Sonny just shook her head, Tawni and Chad had hardly ever got along, but this was only going to make everything worse between the two,

"Sonny, come on, please?"

"Chad broke up with me" She finally managed to say. She looked up at Tawni and Zora, noticing the anger and confusion on their faces as the took in the information,

"He did what?!?!" Tawni finally said, Sonny had never seen her looking her so angry and she was scared for a moment.

"He said he couldn't be with me anymore because of who I am.. because of what I do." She broke down again and this time slid down to the floor,

"Oh god.. I am going to kill him." Emma hugged her quickly, her fists clenched as her face turned a light shade of red, and then walked off.

"Leave it" Sonny said finally,

"He is right, I have put too much strain on the relationship. It's all my fault. He didn't mean it in a nasty way, he thinks it will help me..." Tawni shook her head,

"But it won't" Sonny nodded, smiling at her two best friends,

"It might.. there is no pressure anymore. There isn't any point. If he loves me then he will realize I need him one day." Tawni sighed and she realized Sonny was right.

"Okay then. But still.." Sonny smiled, shaking her head as she wiped the tears from her eyes,

"I love him but I know he needs a break and so do I."

"Then hopefully it will all be okay and I won't have to kill him." They all laughed and then Sonny got up off the floor,

"Time to face the Docs.." She sighed. Tawni put her arm around her and smiled,

"It will be okay from now on."


	15. Chad

**Chad's POV**

I don't even understand why I did that.. I actually dumped the love of my life and then walked away, leaving her there, alone and crying. What kind of person does that make me? I felt so horrible, I just kept walking, crying. I had reasons for leaving her, it wasn't because I didn't love her because I did.. I loved her more than anything else in the world. She was amazing, beautiful and she could just make me laugh even when I was upset. She was the one person I would wake up for and get out of bed for. She was the reason I was still here but I let her go because I knew I had to.

I didn't do it because our relationship couldn't handle the stress of her anorexia anymore, I didn't even think about that. I loved every last bit of her and that wouldn't change whether she was ill or not. I did it because I thought she needed some space, she needs time to recover and without me always there then maybe she could get the chance to do that. She would still have Tawni, Grady, Nico, Zora and Connie. Not to mention Lisa, they would all be there for her and they would all take care of her. I can only hope that Sonny would understand me one day, that she would forgive me soon.

I sighed when I got home, looking around the large, dark house before running up to my bedroom, I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. I want Sonny already, I wish I didn't need her so much, I wish I could just let go of her for now but I love her too much.

I felt tears fall heavily down my face as I closed my bedroom door, sinking to the floor, I curled up in a ball until the sob slowed down. I shook as I remembered the look on her face, what if I hadn't helped her? What if I made everything so much worse?

I know she's going back to hospital again, Tawni had phoned me last night to let me know that she was missing and they thought she was having a relapse. Then today, I got a call from her again to tell me it was really bad. I cried when I hung up after hearing that Lisa had called the hospital, and they were going to make sure they helped her in time.

I know she will be better one day, after everything she has been through and she is still strong. She could only get stronger. I wonder if she's on her way there now, maybe crying or maybe relieved that she can get away... get away from me. Maybe she was happy to get help again, she didn't want this life anymore, did she? I don't think she does, she wants to recover. She wanted it all to be over when they had spoken a few days ago.

_"Chad... I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to do this to myself anymore. I am trying so hard to recover but sometimes I can still hear her." Sonny was cuddled up to Chad on the beach, he kissed her gently on her forehead and hugged her even tighter, "_

_She will go away sometime, you just have to keep at it. One day she will just leave you alone, once she realizes you don't want her anymore. Everyone loves you so much, and yes it's hurting us all but that is only because we love you, we all want you to be okay again and you will be soon." She smiled and wiped away her tears,_

_"I love you so much." She whispered, snuggling into his strong chest, he grinned and looked at her, _

_"I love you more than you could ever imagine." She laughed and then they sat there until she fell asleep in his arms._

It was true, I did love her more than she or anyone else could ever imagine. She was the only girl for me and I hope to God one day she will realize that, and when she is better I could tell her why I did this. And hopefully she would understand.

I fell asleep holding one of my favorite pictures of us that night.


	16. The End

Sonny was being released from hospital again, she had only been there for a week this time, mainly focusing on her own mental stability. She was still underweight, but she knew that it was something she could change with the new diet plan she had been given. She knew she had to do it this time, she was ready to recover and she knew that she always had this place if she ever felt like going against her own recovery ever again.

Sonny grinned when she thought about getting out of there, even though she hadn't been there for as long as last time, it was still amazing to be released. She knew – as well as everyone else did – that she wasn't recovered yet but she was closer than ever before. While she was in there she decided she was going to recover whether she liked it or not – or rather, whether the voice liked it or not.

She knew she could not live like this for the rest of her life. Being thin wasn't everything, it didn't have to be the main focus in her life. She was never bothered about it before, and although she knew she would never be like that again, she could still get close. She wanted recovery this time more than she did before, she knew she was going to get it as well. Because whatever Sonny Munroe put her mid to, Sonny Munroe did.

Lisa was on her own to pick Sonny up and at first she wondered if it was because her best friends were in a mood with her because she had failed them once more, but she knew that even they couldn't change their minds that quickly as they were there for about ten hours yesterday.

She smiled at Lisa and got in the car,

"Where's Tawni?" She asked, looking at the older woman,

"She had some homework to do." Sonny noticed the hesitation in her voice and sighed,

"Oh okay"

"She wanted to come but I wouldn't let her." Sonny nodded and then smiled,

"How are you?" She asked Lisa, grinning as she did so – she felt a lot like the old Sonny this time - she laughed at the girl,

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" Sonny shrugged,

"Everyone asks me all the time, thought I would ask someone for a change."

"I am okay thank you and you?"

"Good thanks, glad to be out of that place" Lisa smiled,

"Glad to be coming home?" Sonny slowly nodded, biting down on her lip as tears glazed her big, brown eyes,

"I'm sorry" She finally said, Lisa looked at her and noticed the usually strong Sonny was now crying,

"For what?"

"For doing this to everyone. I know you don't need to put up with it."

"I don't need to but I will because I love you and the rest of 'So Random!' just like all of you are my own and I am glad you can come to us." Sonny wiped away the tears,

"Thank you. I think of you as my own mum as well... I mean I know I have mum, but she can't cope with stuff like this. She saw her own sister go through it when she was younger, I should have known this would hurt her... But I have you to go to when things get hard.." She smiled a little, and Lisa grabbed her hand,

"And you always will have me."

~ .. ~

The cast had waited for Sonny to get home for ages now, Tawni sighed and looked at her nails, then at Zora's watch,

"Mother is behind schedule." She muttered, tapping down on Zora's watch, who glared at the girl and pulled her arm away,

"It don't matter." Grady laughed at her and then patted her on the shoulder,

"Yes it does, we have a specific timetable for everything tonight. Everything has to go perfect." Nico rolled his eyes and laughed loudly,

"I am sure Sonny will appreciate the whole party." Tawni just nodded and started pacing back and forth. Everyone was here a while ago, and were all getting ready to hide at the moment. She had a surprise for Sonny hiding upstairs as well, she knew that would probably be the highlight of the whole party for her best friend.

Finally the key turned in the door and she saw her mum walking through, everyone quickly hid and Zora started to giggle, she stood in the middle of the room with Tawni and smiled at Sonny, who looked at them both weirdly, wondering what was going on and just as she came into the living room, everyone jumped out. Sonny looked surprised and happy at the same time, she laughed with everyone who came up to hug her and then finally got to Tawni , wrapping her arms around her, glad when Tawni didn't pull away.

"We know you're going to get better this time." She nodded and laughed,

"Take it Tawni arranged the decorations." She looked around at the perfectly placed banners and balloons. Zora just nodded and then went off with the two boys to get some food,

"Thanks Tawni.. really. You're the best." Sonny hugged her,

"This wasn't my idea, I wanted a small meeting at the studios or something but someone insisted otherwise..."

"Who?" Sonny looked at her confused,

"Look behind you" Tawni grinned as she pointed at a person standing behind Sonny, giggled as she quickly turned around, the joy in her eyes was evident once she saw him.

She smiled at him and he grinned back,

"Go on!" Tawni pushed her towards the vacant hallway where Chad Dylan Cooper stood. He looked at her as she slowly walked towards him, once she finally reached him, he grabbed her and kissed her with as much passion as he could manage, he wanted her to know how much he loved her, he needed her to know that no matter what, nothing would ever change his feelings for her,

"I am so sorry" He said and she shook her head,

"I understand why you did it and thank you." He hugged her tight, never wanting to let go, and then the music turned off, Sonny turned around and saw her friends all nodding at her, she looked confused and when she turned around she noticed Chad on his knee. She couldn't help but grin, especially when she saw him pull out a little box from his jacket pocket. She felt herself turn red when he opened it, revealing a small, yellow diamond ring. She loved how he knew her favorite color and how it matched her necklace, she loved everything about him.

She laughed when he opened his mouth to speak, for the first time since she had known him, Chad looked scared and she shook her head, trying to reassure him. He grinned his infamous grin at her and she laughed. She realized she was shaking and he grabbed one of her hands,

"Sonny, I love you so much. I want to show you how much, and I would love it If you would spend the rest of your life with me – who wouldn't?" He grinned winking at her as he said the last bit, Sonny could feel tears of happiness run down her face as she heard those words, laughing a little when he didn't fail to big himself up.

"That is why I am asking you to marry me. Will you do me the honor of being my wife?" She laughed at him quietly and nodded,

"I would love to Chad." He put the beautiful ring on her finger and got up, kissing her on the lips with more love than before – although both of them thought that was impossible. He put his thumbs up to Tawni and she started to clap, everyone joined in and they both turned to face them. Sonny beamed and pulled Chad to Tawni and everyone else to show them the ring.

Sonny looked at Chad and grabbed his hand, she loved him so much and he loved her. She knew they were going to make it through. Recovering would be a long process and it would be hard at times but she knew she had all those she loved more than anything around her and they would keep her going through the good times and the bad. She knew that her and Chad would be forever and that even though things were hard they were going to make it through whatever life would chuck at them.

~~The End~~

Hope you enjoyed it!


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